A Bad Day at the KKK

Posted By:	The Boneman
Posted On:	Mon Dec 8th, 2008

Due to the timing of this issue's print date I find myself on the horns of a dilemma. I think I'm safe to assume that pretty much everybody (from roughly fifth grade on) knows what a dilemma is. Yet as often as dilemmas are described as having horns you may indeed wonder how many youngsters or say, hillbillies mistake a dilemma for some sort of nasty, creature with sharp, menacing spikes curling out of their forehead. I allude to this not because I'm short on material, rather it is my best guess that by the time you read this (and exit polls overwhelmingly indicate that you will) the Democrats will have seized control of the Whitehouse. The point being that the last Democrat to succeed in grasping hold the reigns of power was one of the horniest beasts in political history. "Make love not war, G. Dubya. Compare the approval ratings, Chief."

My particular dilemma is that this issue will go to press some time on Wednesday, November 5th, which means that I have to write the vast majority of this election wrap-up without the luxury of knowing who actually wins the election. Then again, winning isn't everything – just ask Al Gore. Should you be doing the math, you may well be thinking 'Whoa – hold the phone Boneman - everybody else has to write their articles Tuesday night to be ready for the Wednesday morning "Read All About it" - right?' Indeed, this is true – but I'd like to remind this stickler that my articles have to deliver punchlines. Theoretically that is, I'm sure this character is one of those whom Obama fingered as being bitter with their lot in life - clinging to their guns and religion and "pal"ing around with former terrorists such as Cletus Hufferman, the ex-minister who was defrocked after losing both thumbs and a gonad in a botched attempt to blow up his ex-wife's riding mower. My friends.

Regardless who wins it's just going to be so nice to have it over with. Man - that's the "Change We Need." Both parties pushed the fine line between gross exaggeration and bold-faced lying to an all-time low and the media coverage was just shamelessly biased. The Democrats certainly turned the tables in terms of "dough-nations." It was widely felt that Bush bought his two Presidential terms, so this year the Demos changed their mascot from the donkey to the cash cow. Obama's half hour chick-flick before the World Series certainly smacked of conspicuous consumption, particularly when you compare it to McCain's 5 minute informercial at 4:00 A.M. on the Weather channel. One not-so-bright reaction to Obama's barrier-bashing victory was the 500 point drop on the stock market on the following day - personally my portfolio weathered the blow nicely due to how heavily I leveraged myself into KFC.

Decision O8 will obviously be the most memorable and historic election any of us are likely to witness again, but more than anything I'll remember it as the year the Democrats cornered the market on media. They got Television and the Internet and the Republicans got Squalk Radio. I'm still having trouble wrapping the old gray around that. I mean how did it all go down - did the Republican representative have a real bad night at the poker table? "So out with it, Bob – what happened man - you don't look so hot - like your dog died and you accidentally ate it?" "Well, first of all, we still got radio, y'know Rushbo, Hannity and uh what's-his-name – the one who dropped the "E" off his last name so he wouldn't sound so much like a . . . dradle spinner - help me out . . ." "Levin, unLevined whatever – what about Television and the Internet? Tell me we got more than Fox? Just please tell me that so I don't have to murder you and make it look like suicide." "Well, here's the deal - I learned something very important tonight." "Whatdidya learn – that Television and the Internet are vital for the future of conservatism?" "Yeeeahh-no – I already knew that. Actually uh, the thing I learned tonight, would be um - that two pair is not quite as good as three of a kind. Evidently I've been operating under some bung intel.

I know that we all have free agency and the right and power to change the channel if we don't like what we're watching, but the liberal bias on MSNBC became so incredibly blatant that it was like a car wreck - I couldn't help but watch it. I still think of Keith Olbermann as the second rate sportscaster he was on KTLA years ago when I lived in southern California. Back in those days he was only a regional douche bag, who got his jollys baggin' on the Clippers and the Angels, but now - please! If Smarmy Narcissism were a felony he'd be doing life. Or back to back Life's for that and Smug Self-Importance. I don't know how K.O. Keith ever made it to MSNBC, but if you're looking for objective journalism keep clicking because the "MS" clearly stands for "McCain Sucks. "God Bless SNL for finally taking the piss out of Keith Olberkill. Ben Affleck, on behalf of the world, I apologize for every rotten thing we ever said about you or Gigli or Pearl Harbor . . . we're all good. As far as we're concerned, you've done nothing but won your Oscar for writing Good Will Hunting and rocked it in Chasing Amy and Hollywoodland. Bounce, Reindeer Games? Never heard of ‘em.

As for McCain I can't say I'm any great fan myself (especially after his underhanded treatment of Mitt Romney) but as I intend to argue voting for Obama is more about fashion and potentially irresponsible. I'll be the first to concede that McCain is no great shakes, but at least we know who the guy 'is.' He's been in politics roughly since the invention of cheese. He's a war hero in a time of war, and someone with decades of experience in a time of crisis. True he's kind of a fuddled old wind-breaker, with his stiff armed thumbs up, that he employs with all the charm and finesse of a Rock'em Sock'em Robot. (Watch him - it's like he can't stick up a thumb and bend his elbows at the same time) Yes, he uses the expression "my friends" with maddening and sometimes condescending frequency. And true, he's too old to go around billing himself as a "maverick." What does a 70 year old Maverick do - drive his golf cart off the designated path, rack up a couple warnings from the home owners association?

Before I proceed to plead my case I'd like to first establish the fact that I'm the furthest thing from a racist as you can get. In my opinion Richard Pryor is the funniest man who ever lived, and without a close second. My childhood hero was Hank Aaron. My favorite movie "To Kill a Mockingbird" had a profound effect on my understanding of tolerance and the ignorance and evil of bigotry, prejudice and persecution. I spent a decade of my adult life in parts of California where I was a minority. And believe me I get the Obama thing, with his soulful eyes and his megawatt smile, his gentle manner, his quick wit and intellect. And smooth, bless my soul the man is smooooooooooothe? Like a baby's butt in a chinchilla diaper – smooth! If he was an actor or a shooting guard he would own me. Don't get me wrong – I don't mean to suggest that this should be the limit of his aspiration, he way very well make a fantastic president. It's certainly possible that he'll seduce the rest of the world like he's seduced America. Maybe he'll win back our friends and put the shine back on our nation's image that's lost so much of its luster as of late. There's no doubt that the U.S. will pick up some much needed international brownie points because of his election. But, Obama is huge roll of the dice. As the days ahead may well bear out. I mean I'm keeping my fingers crossed because I really do like the man, but now that the heavy-set lady has favored us with a number, let's step back and see if we can put it all in perspective.

Number One – it's pretty damn strange how this guy just suddenly popped up outta nowhere. If you had a myspace page a year ago chances are you were more well known. Then Abarack-adabra Poof – he's the most powerful man in the world. I mean aside from his own family, it's like he's only got two living relatives that anybody knows about, and sadly I believe one of those has died. No great cause for alarm I suppose. A couple months back I wrote up a big "what-if parody" in which I speculated that Obama was the Anti-Christ. That was pretty much just a joke, but I'm reserving the right to pen a follow-up piece entitled "I Told Ya So" if it turns out that he is. Consider exhibit B.

Think about a typical American's deepest fears? Terorists terrify us. We tend to lump them all together but before Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden and that shifty Mahmoud dude running Iran, there was Momar Khadafi, Ayatollah Khomeini, Idi Amin. Different countries, different blood-soaked regimes, but they all shared a passionate hatred toward us American pig-dogs. Yet "Barack" "Hussein" "Obama" sails right to the top, seemingly in spite of his Terrorist/evil dictator sounding handle. I dunno - I'm just sayin' - go figure. Now for the harder truths. The fact that Barack has done the seemingly impossible speaks volumes about how far we've come as a nation of color-blind tolerant people - it does your heart good and regardless your political inclinations it's something we should all take pride in. Still there are a lot of places in this country where white folks are scared of black folks or just plain hate black folks. Ranging from serious, well-funded organizations with mountain compounds and hidden retreats, to weekend sheet n' shave hobbyists to the odd redneck moonshiners, but to a man they share a deeply ingrained tradition of hatred. A system of beliefs that they're far more passionate about than the Hollywood idealists writing checks payable to the Democratic National Committee. I wrote in my first article about Obama (which was well before he was a serious front-runner) that the biggest challenge his administration would face would be to keep him alive. You may have already heard of a foiled assassination attempt by a couple kooks from some southern White Supremacy outfit. (Don't kill me J.B. - I'm just calling it the way it is).

It's this possibility that raises the seriously frightening questions. Most of you have probably forgotten about it - it's been nearly 20 years now, but I had to drive through the flaming wreckage of South L.A. the morning after the Rodney King riots in order to catch a flight out of LAX. The airport is located just on the outskirts of the madness and bedlam and I'll tell you what – it was scary as all hell. No one could have imagined that letting those rotten cops off the hook when it was obvious they were guilty would turn black against white out on the streets and spark riots that left whole neighborhoods in flaming ruins. Imagine such a thing on a national scale – a global scale? Think it wouldn't happen? Take a country reeling from the effects of recession, lost jobs, lost homes, high prices for vital commodities - Bush's shabby response to New Orleans needs still a sore spot. Don't be naive. If some White Supremacist outfit assassinates Obama? You'll be grateful you live in lily white southern Utah. Damn grateful. You'll be in no hurry to go anywhere - unless it's to Costco to stock up.

Number Three – what do Americans hold dear? Easy, don't mess with our right to worship, and don't even think about taking away our right to bear arms. Strangely, as I alluded to above – Barack was issued a free pass for a remark that got a lot of play on Talk Radio, certainly one that slipped out and that he wishes he could "unsay." To be fair, when taken out of context the remark sounds much worse than intended but when he described a demographic of Americans "so let down and disaffected by their government that it's not surprising that they become bitter and cling to their guns or religion . . ." This is a very bizarre conundrum to reconcile. In a sentence or two here's a guy the country knew almost nothing about a year ago who in many concrete ways embodies everything that a big chunk of American's fear (not to mention the unknown) though it wasn't strictly intentional it was reported that he basically badmouthed Americans whose loyalties were to their faith and the right to protect their homes. And on top of that his religious mentor is an unrepentant anti-American, Muslim sympathizer, and his friends are domestic terrorists. How does this guy get elected President? And on top of all that the first guy he offers a spot in his cabinet to is named Rahm Emanuel. I mean seriously what's his middle name Adonn?

I can't help but confess that the college-aged me would have been just as hypnotized by Obama's charm as any idealistic young buck, but the me that I am now, probably would have preferred to stick with the devil I know as opposed to the one I don't - at least with such rocky looking times ahead. So am I wrong to wonder if we've been beguiled by a snake charmer, or are we so fortunate as to have found just the man that our country needs. Say your prayers.