Obama Nation

Posted By:	The Boneman
Posted On:	Tue Jan 29th, 2008

You may have noticed if you've read any of my recent articles that I've become a kinder gentler Boneman. I find that I can function nearly as well without the cuss-words, but on the other hand, like many Americans, I've had it up to my "waste elimination apparatus" with political correctness. The fact that a black man a woman and a Mormon are three of the most viable candidates for our presidency speaks volumes about how far our nation has come down the road of tolerance and equality. It really does your heart good to see these shameful old barriers finally fading into history, and I couldn't be more pleased to see it. Still and all, I don't think it necessarily means that we have to sacrifice our cherished American tradition of calling each other names. Thus I'll ask your indulgence and if you might believe me to be sexist or any otherist it's not the gender it's the representer.

For example, I'd be willing to bet a C-note that the following exchange, or one very much like it, has taken place in the past couple of months. Picture President Bush and Dick Cheney somewhere in the Whitehouse, kicking back after a hard day of presidentin'. Dick and Dubya loosening their ties, feet up on the coffee table. Cheney staring vacantly at his Scotch - giving the ice cubes a rattle - Bush using his tie to dab at the Ovaltine he spilled on his shirt. Just before calling it a day, Bush glances over at his right hand man with a mischievous grin, chuckles then nudges him playfully, "say - if you was a Democrat, y'know just "play like" – which one would you vote for, the nigger or the bitch?" After the obligatory laugh, Cheney slowly lifts one corner of his mouth into that sardonic grin, "I wouldn't vote for either one of them Boss – I think I'd vote for Hillary." Bush laughs even though he doesn't get it and then when he finally does he spills Ovaltine all over both of them. Remember they're just words and besides I'm just the reporter here – I didn't say it.

The point our Vice President and myself obviously agree on, is that John Edwards is just a little too light in the loafers to make a good President. He's got the bleeding heart thing down to an art, but when he's talking about the working class people who so desperately need his leadership he goes so loose in the joints that I want to see a hockey player come sliding out of nowhere and hip check his limpid ass into the third row. I swear, if during their debates, a mouse were to run on stage past the three of them, Edwards would scream and hop up on his chair, Obama would lean down and rub his fingers "c'mere little fella," then reflexively jerk his hand away as Hillary drives a heel through its neck and gives it a twist like she's putting out a cigarette. She just gives me the creeps and, don't get me wrong, I'm sure Edwards is sincere about his litany of humanitarian concerns, but come on dude, how many "distant thirds" do you have to rack-up before you stop saying "when I become President…"

The person I feel the most sorry for during this sideshow is George Bush. Poor bugger's got to spend a whole year watching everybody on television blame him for screwing up just about everything. Portrayed by Democrats and Republicans alike as the lamest duck who ever bumbled his way out of the oval office. I can picture him a dozen years from now, farting around out in the desert somewhere in Texas. A hunched figure – windbreaker, khaki, golf visor and metal detector - looking for weapons of mass destruction. "I'll show those Godless democraps, crummy evil-doers anyway. Call ‘me' a liar, a fear-monger. . . monger, heh heh - monger monger monger, run for your lives here comes a monger - heh heh . . . heh."

I'll have to admit that I've taken an uncharacteristic interest in politics this go round, not only because of the novelty of having the aforementioned African American and Female American as the unusual suspects, but mostly because we've got a Mormon making a pretty good bid. It struck me as quite amusing as well as typical that early on the pundits were pretty much agreed that a Woman and a Black were perfectly legitimate and viable candidates, but a "Mormon" - are you nuts? He ain't got a prayer. Can you see him out campaigning on his 10 speed with his running mate Elder Whiting. This will go to press before Super Tuesday, so I don't know how it's all going to shake out – this may all be outdated crap by the time you read it. There's nothing worse than a moot joke.

Since gas prices are so reasonable and it's such a lovely drive I was enjoying my trip to Hurricane to renew my truck's registration, but I had a bizarre experience listening to the radio on my way. To my surprise, I learned that Romney has become Rush Limbaugh's candidate of choice and I found myself in agreement with him on a few points. That's a weird feeling. Before I knew it I was all about "you go Rushbo – ditto-on bro." I had to pull over, until I came to my senses. By this I don't mean to give the impression that I'm a liberal, in fact the older I get the more conservative I seem to become.

Again, as a general rule I don't find politics all that fascinating and don't follow it much. Which I realize is wrong, because any responsible citizen knows that it's the best source of comedy in existence. Usually a couple minutes of CNN though and I'll click away in search of something more exciting - Nat Geo, maybe, but having Romney in the hunt, it's all I wanna watch. Which my wife and daughters find not only strange but extremely annoying. For me, it's kind of like watching 6 year olds play soccer - there isn't a chance in hell I'd ever do it unless I had a kid on the field. And even though I'm totally rooting for Romney, I'm not sure having him win would be such a good thing. Presidents become the target of comedians the world over and the prospect of a Mormon president must look like an "all you can eat joke buffet." I don't know if I could handle 4 to 8 years or Mormon jokes. At least Romney has a ready comeback where polygamy is concerned. Of all the Republican candidates he's the only one who's had only one wife and let's not forget Hillary Clinton is married to an "honorary" polygamist. That's why she never comments on Bush's Stimulus Package, she's had quite enough of Presidents and their Stimulus Packages.

As for Obama, it's not hard to understand why he's made it this far. He's charming, well-spoken, quick-witted and he had the spine to admit to smoking grass when he was a teen. Then again I've heard a lot of people opine that when it comes right down to it, they don't think people are quite ready to vote for a Black president. In my opinion when it comes right down to it I don't think people are quite ready to vote for a guy named Borat. Never is "President Obama" going to roll off the tongue – it sounds an awful lot like Osama, and if you spell it backwards it's pretty much "Am a BlAck Arab." Not that there's anything wrong with that. I mean a snowball had a better shot in hell than Michael Dukakis. Bush hand no trouble blocking Dukakis. I never thought there would ever be a weirder name in the Whitehouse than Spiro Agnew. Maybe it's silly but I think his funky handle is going to hurt his cause. Besides this country is so full of wingnuts and psychos that if he "did" win, the biggest challenge his administration would face would be keeping him alive.

True, if it came down to Bommy or Rommy I'd probably root for the Mormon, just like I rooted for Steve Young or Danny Ainge, even that no good traitor Shawn Bradley, but I'm pretty impressed with Borat. During that Nevada debate, when Russert asked the candidates to talk about their weaknesses, he was the only one who had the guts to describe an actual shortcoming. Whereas Johnny Angel made the gut-wrenching confession about his horrible weakness for caring too much about the working men and women of this Country. How refreshing would it have been to hear Edwards promptly reply, "Well first of all Tim I'm a milquetoast. Growing up I was always a pretty bad wuss, in fact I became a lawyer so I could sue the crap out of all the jocks and meanies who pushed me around and called me "special Edwards." Nowadays, though I'd say I have a weakness for saying whatever people want to hear so they'll like me and I spend a good hour in front of the mirror, because, as you can see, I turned out to be a remarkably pretty man. If you look at my weird wrinkly neck you can tell I'm older than McCain, but in good lighting I don't look a day over 35."

What about you, Senator Clinton? "Well Tim as you know I have a weakness for bribes and shady business practices, and Bill and I have certainly 'offed' our share of people who knew too much about Bill's problem with being Politically Erect.' I guess you might say I'm a stone cold witch, but that's only because I'm an alien posing as a woman and if I don't get a good 7 to 8 hour recharge on my photon cell I can be a tad moody.

So there you go, the truth sucks I know, nobody wants to hear it, but you'll get over it. We're still good right?