Respect Your Elders

Posted By:	The Boneman
Posted On:	Fri Oct 10th, 2008

I've recently gone and done something that has left most everyone that knows me in a state of stunned, disbelief. I would have to imagine that many of you envision the Boneman as a somewhat funny, but mostly fuddled old skeeze, transgressing his way through life - a mere bus collision away from eternal damnation. So what could I possibly have done, you wonder, so egregious as to cause those who know of my unsavory ways such shock and awe? Alright then, sit yourself down for the sake of safety, while I make this most shocking revelation.

You see over the course of the past couple years I've become absolutely obsessed by my quest to unlock and fully understand the myriad secrets contained within two archaic volumes of ancient text that have, by chance, fallen into my possession courtesy of inheritance. Though most of the concepts outlined in these misunderstood volumes depend upon interpretation, many consider their authors to be evil, self-serving charlatans, in league with the devil. Men possessed of unclean spirits, who speak in tongues, converse with spirits and have sold their very souls in exchange for a glimpse into the future. I should forewarn those faint of heart for the future these men beheld and recorded is not pleasant. There is much wickedness, idolotry and fear. The dark underlord, (known by many names including Bael, Beelzebub, Billy Bob and Bubba) shall prevail and much Christian blood shall leak upon the earth. Oh yes, my friends. Oh yes. I've read these macabre volumes so many times I could recite many a passage from memory. I suppose it's possible that a few of you may know of some of these ancient tomes that I honor and revere. They're known by a number of titles but I like to call them the Bible and the Book of Mormon.

If you've seen through this little charade, congratulations – but what you may not have seen coming is that I've not only become active in the church, but I've recently been ordained an Elder. Just to give non-members some perspective on this – it's not unheard of for an Elder to be snatched away kicking and screaming into the Bishopric. Yea verily, it has come to pass and barring sudden demonic possession, I'll be taking the family to the temple before the end of the year. To put that in the vernacular of the Latter Day Saint "it's pretty flippin' rad." As far as I'm concerned, the whole shock value of the thing has been a bit of a surprise. You'd think I was heading off to Tibet for 7 years. I mean I'm from Utah, did you think I was Jewish? True, I've not been the fairest lamb in the fold, roughly since Jr. High. And for a good decade or so during it all – I was pretty much the life of the party, whether there was a party or not. But I've always been a believer – and always planned on finding my way back - once my wild oats had all been sewn. Who knew I had such a massive sack?

I suppose some of the surprise might have to do with my appearance. If you were to put me in a few layers of tattered raiment and a long hemp robe, I could definitely get your noisy, pain-in-the-butt Sunday School class to shut their yaps, if not soil themselves. "Hey, down off the table Sunbeam - and fold thine arms before I silence your fish-hole with this chalk remover. You wouldn't like Me when I'm wroth, David." Actually children are my biggest problem - my own. They really hate my long hair and beard and I'll admit that most of the time I look like someone you'd be more likely to follow to Dixie Care & Share than on to eternal salvation. Still, it takes a couple of years to grow it out this long and if I yield to a weak moment and let them shear it off, it's not like I can change my mind. I think everyone (particularly my mother) expected my Bishop or the Stake President to insist that my long and fulsome locks be shorn before they'd give me the green light for the ordination – no such bad luck. My Bishop even mentioned that he kind of likes having a Jesus-look-alike in the congregation – he said it keeps him on his toes. And my Stake President mentioned that people could stand to be a bit less narrow minded about one or two things. He rocks. Plus he couldn't very well insist that I cut "my" hair when I have a fellow freak in the Ward. That's right, the gloriously unkempt leader of the Jackpines, Jared Johnson is a fellow Elder in my ward. Between the two of us we're putting good ole Christianity and bad ole grooming back together like it was back when JC was kickin' it in the OC (Old Country.)

Trust me I gave prayerful consideration as to whether or not I should make this Revelation a matter of public record. For those who think this an improper forum for such matters, remember that Jesus healed the blind man's eyes with mud and dined with publicans and sinners because that's where the fish were biting. Which isn't to suggest that the Independent is the sinner's newspaper. On the contrary, I don't know if you've noticed but I'll bet the Lord has – it seems that the other "local events" paper has succombed to the cheap biddings of the Adversary by adding a pernicious advice column entitled The "Beer Man?" Hmm . . . that doesn't ring a bell . . . much. The Beer Man not only encourages readers to drink regularly, but instructs them as to how they can become prodigious and accomplished drinkers. So that's where it's at. What's next "Jack's Porno Corner?" "If you can't get ‘em in the rack, you can count on Porno Jack."

If you're wondering how something so bizarre and unlikely could come to pass, it's simple. I saw the world falling apart in every direction I looked and I realized if it all started going to hell in a Humvee, I wouldn't have anywhere to turn. I have a family, and now that I've got the Lord in my corner I feel much better about everything. This isn't just bla bla Sacrament Meeting's almost over bla bla – I feel the difference every day. I was able to make enormous changes, and yes, it was hard and there were days that sucked - but I had help, lots of help and all I had to do was ask for it. And because my Mama raised me to be polite, I'd say thank you. Getting back to my original point, the reason I decided to go public with my change of life is because the scriptures urge believers not to be ashamed of their faith, and making this move has been, by far the best thing I've ever done. That's pretty much it - that's my testimony. Bear in mind, however, that I get the fact that it's the Elders who went on missions and who have lead righteous lives ever since who truly deserve the credit.

Obviously I won't be writing any more epic sonnets on the wonderful juxtaposition of certain tandem glands, nor describing my disappointment with mankind with the use of off-color terminology. If you hadn't noticed I've been weaning myself off the cuss words and raunchy stuff. I've mostly come to find that I don't really need it - there's more than one way to skin a cat. Like today, President Bush called John McCain and Barack Obama to the Whitehouse so they could put their heads together and save the world from economic collapse. Was it just me, or did that seem a bit like calling the three little pigs together to save us from the big bad wolf – "I thought you were gonna bring the bricks? No I just talk about changing over to different bricks." Then there was Joe Biden's classic faux pax. This one's is almost too good to be true. You don't have to be funny to get a laugh out of it. I guess he was criticizing McCain and Palin for their unwillingness to pull their heads out of the sand and level with the voters about this financial mess. And as a deft illustration of the proper way to respond to adversity of this nature, he offered the canny example of FDR, whom according to Biden, went on TV right after the great Stock Market crash of ‘29, and told the nation "we had nothing to fear, but fear itself." Okay so I've got an unfair advantage on Biden because I majored in Political Science, but y'see FDR wasn't elected president until 1932. But what's two or three years, when he missed the TV thing by closer to 30. Way to go Palooka Joe, you made McCain look like William F. Buckley. As most of you have probably heard there is a contingent of alarmists who suspect that Obama may well be the Anti-christ. It's probably nothing but a load of hooey, but if I'm Joe Biden, until I'm 100% certain Barack is just a regular brother, I keep my butt out from under chandeliers.

The one disappointment I've run into since my ordination has been my frightful inability to get anywhere when it comes to interesting a few of my non-member friends into following in my footsteps. Actually, I've proven to be a miserable missionary and I think it's possible that you could train a chimp to be more effective. I really thought I'd be a natural, but I think I might be coming on a little too strong. It occurred to me that I may be playing it a tad heavy-handed when I realized that all my sentences were ending with the words "or else." I'm sure I'll get the hang of it and my friends will start returning my calls. I'm tellin' ya - Caller ID is killing me. I don't know how anybody gets anybody baptized now that everybody has that evil "caller ID." Plus those messages I left on their machines probably didn't help my cause. "Guess what, I wasn't calling about the Book of Mormon, Mr. and Mrs. We're Not Home Right Now - I just felt like cleaning and organizing someone's garage. Oh well, maybe some other time - enjoy Hell." Some people can't take a joke.