Using My Religion

Posted By:	The Boneman
Posted On:	Thu Feb 26th, 2009

I wish I could tell you that my relatively recent return to the good graces of the LDS church was the result of some inspiring saga. A grand tale of the forces of good and righteousness conquering the malevolent forces of evil which, set to music, would be a staple on the Fireside circuit for years. Nay, I shall mislead you no longer, I'm afraid the truth of the matter is much less romantic. And although it didn't have a Hollywood ending it had a Hollywood beginning. You see, I was in a hurry to return some videos to Hollywood to avoid late fees. Thus, I'd broken into what I call "running." (though it's more of a lope that resembles one man pantomiming a three-legged race). In any event as I slapped my vids in the box and began to walk back I noticed I was not weary. Yea verily, I'd scarcely broken a sweat) and on my walk back to my car at no time did I faint. W.O.W. (text for – W.ord o.f W.isdom.) It was then that it occurred to me that I'd pretty much given up on all my vices – not so much out of grit and fiery will power to live a life of righteousness, as much as boredom and lack of interest.

As I drove home, it occurred to me that a good, decent, married Republican, observing the word of wisdom is pretty much a Mormon. So I simply accepted it, spiffed up my "go to meet'n" wardrobe and made it official. To be honest, I'd been a Latter Day Saint for 42 years and though I was only active throughout my childhood and teens, I've always been a believer and a huge fan. Mormonism is the only religion of any consequence to originate in America. If nothing else that gives it Supreme braggin' rights. As you'll see I was a prime candidate to be a good middle age latter day. First I grew up in the church plus I've read the Nine Standard Works by Gerald Lund. That's just a joke by the way, though I highly recommend The Work and the Glory series if you want to gain a proper appreciation of the sacrifice of our forefathers and fortyforemothers. As you may know, there are actually four books that the church regard as the Standard Works; Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. Har har har, I know, only Twilight is in the Stan.Wrks. I had to get at least one shot off at the twerds (which I am one of, although I'll deny it tooth and nail – to the day I undie). Thanks for the loaners Jen-Ben.

Reading the standard works like you would a regular book is really not the best way to get the most effective take on our faith. I think it can be a tad frustrating. Just when one group of people have seen the light - they've got a strong and mighty prophet who cuts a powerful figure of a man. Leading by strong example, he heals the sick and slays the enemy when they start fooling around with the sheep. Y'know these are a people who should be solid and remain righteous. They may have even seen God or Jesus or both – I dunno, but you're thinking - how could they possibly go wrong? But next thing you know some upstart ingrate on the east side of the valley starts having some decent luck after two seasons of worshipping a "purple potato," then others begin to covet the purple potato and yet others take the juice from the purple potato (an elixir de panacea) with testimonials claiming it to heal everything from gout to get the freak out. Pretty soon they've got it bottled and attractively packaged into a full on MLM deal. Next thing you know uncircumcised Lamanites are running amok and then it all falls to hell amid a lot of waxing in iniquity and all manner of wickedness and again the whole thing flips back the other way - it's frustrating reading is all I'm saying. It's like the Disciples! You have to teach ‘em the same thing a dozen times and then you're lucky if one or two of ‘em get it right. Oy, it's the same all over, "Bella – make up your mind sweetheart what's it gonna be? Are ya going with Eddie Van Cullen or are you getting another case of "Popsicle Toes" – warming up to Jacob and the Hotdogs? Tasty treats those – we'rewolfing them down.

I ask your occasional indulgence when I stray away from the jokes and use this bully pulpit to pontificate. Having stumbled around in the Fog of Jack Mormonism for two-plus decades, I decided to step up and be the kind of Father and Husband and Priesthood holder that I know I'm expected to be. Doing so required that I overcome a fondness for the barley pop and I'm here to tell you I petitioned the Lord for help and it turned out to be surprisingly easy. If I've learned anything in the past year is that there's no doubt that our Lord wants us back. If you're in a similar situation, all I can say is don't be afraid. You know how you always root for the underdog in the movies? That's what it's like with Jesus - ask him to lift it off your back and if you're earnest and sincere about changing your ways - it'll leave you like a sigh. It worked for me folks and I'm the worst skeptic I know.

We're all born with challenges, along with my fondness for the sarsparilla, I was cursed with an even more bizarre affliction, I only have mostly vague recollections of it when I was a boy, but once it reared it's ugly head about the time I was 15 - lookout. It could have been going on a while before, but 15 was about when I noticed that I was cursed with the sort of charm and beauty that drives women out their minds. I seriously cannot go out in public without endangering lives. I'm talkin' women of all ages. 60, 70 years old – it don't matter. I can empty out a Bingo Hall faster than a bad gallon of prunes. I'm a hazard. I've tried all kind of disguise – nothin' - they still succumb and clamor after me like those new fast-running zombies they got now. They will drive their cars right up on the lawn if they catch an eye-full of the Boneman. Their cars will still be going, when they roll out, scramble to their feet and give frantic chase - just as spry as an 8 year old. And let me tell you I'm no spring chicken. I have to take measures. Mace, pepper-spray – you don't know pathetic until you've tasered a 90 year-old broad makin' with the batting eyes, and the "come to momma you bad boy" - fightin' her way out of a housecoat.

Still, the biggest challenge any active Latter Day must face, is the certainty that one day sooner or later it's going to be their turn to speak in Sacrament Meeting. Guess whose turn is coming right away. It's kind of like jury duty except you have to testify. I think of having to give a talk in church as like slowly approaching this great wall, this immense impenetrable wall, that has but one small hole, maybe the size of a volleyball. It lurks out there like some great leviathan waiting out there in the darkness however many weeks or days away. With its whale's eye hole that I'm going to have to squeeze my entire life through before I can just go back to my normal stressful, scary life. (Man alive, hold on a second, boy the kids outside my house are noisy little monkeys - I wish their parents would quit locking them out of the house, I'm running out of Iams.)

In any case as far as me and the religious scene, things are starting to move pretty fast. Pretty, pretty fast. So my wife and I are pretty much on the brink of going to the temple, which is making things all the more weird. It's like people I scarcely even know (I recognize them but I don't know their names) are insistent that we let them know when we're going in, so they can go on in with us. Don't get me wrong - I love the people in my ward, I have many of them to thank for helping to bring me back into the fold, but we're plenty anxious about the whole temple thing as it is, without having a bunch of people we only know on a Brother Smith and Sister Brown last name basis tagging along. I pretty much want to keep the number to a minimum of virtual strangers who see me in my fatty Sumo temple clothes. I suppose we'll figure out some way to deal with it, without hurting anybody's feelings - like tell them the day and time of the ceremony and maybe leave out the part about Manti. Oops.