Why Why Why Delilah

Posted By:	The Boneman
Posted On:	Mon May 4th, 2009

If you're anything like me, you really ought to be ashamed of yourself. Only kidding - everybody always says "open with a joke" which, is a good saying as sayings go, it's not in the same league as "Righty Tighty, Lefty Lucy," by any means. But as I‘ve mentioned before, I actually met "Lefty Lucy?" and got the chance to chat just a little. Ironically enough we got to talking politics and quite surprisingly her views were downright conservative for a Lefty. Passionately so - in fact. She happened to be carrying a hardback copy of Ann Coulter's book "If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans," which she'd just purchased. Having asked her about the conflict of interest her nickname posed, she became - what's the word . . . PO'd? (or more correctly P'd O.) Anyhooch she swore up and down that the process of changing her name to "Righty Heidi" was in the works. Even though she was in quite a state, I felt duty bound to point out how badly her somewhat selfish decision was going to screw up one of our most helpful couplets. Had she no regard for the worlds' "do-it-yourselfers?" Her answer was rather frank and ironically involved a kind of do-it-yourself, theme.

What I meant before was if you're anything like me, you're pretty well tired of hearing everybody whine about the economy. Personally, I seem to be having the same economic times I always have, it's the people with all the dang money who can't stop talking about what a problem it is. The same carpetbaggers who built their houses out of straw and expect the government to step up and write them a check to keep the wolf away from the cardboard door. "Off with their sock-puppet heads!" My wife has this to say about the economy: "it is what it is, and it's been worse, so sack-up and put a sock in it." People have learned not to mess with my wife, because she just tells you the truth, and nobody needs that, the truth sucks! You only want that stuff in itty bitty doses, if at all.

We live in a culture where one might turn to the scriptures in troublesome times. But I have to wonder how many folks know much about how the Bible came to be. It's not like God just started handing them out one day - actually most of it was lashed together about 300 years after the Crucifixion, mostly orchestrated by the Roman Emperor Constantine. At the time of his reign, Christianity started sprouting up like dandilions in dozens of varieties - thus threatening the stability of his diverse empire. It was getting away from him and it was well past the point where he could simply feed his problems to the lions.

A gifted negotiator, Constantine sought to appease the major factions by calling a great meeting that became known as the Council of Nicea. Leaders from all the numerous sects and parties came together to hammer out a series of agreements which eventually culminated in the Nicene Creed, which in turn evolved over the centuries into the Bible that we know today. Perhaps the best example of his skill is evidenced by the fact that he managed to satisfy both the Christian sects who wanted a holiday to celebrate the Birth of Christ and the Pagans whose Sun God gave them their sacred Equinoxes and Solstices. If you ever wondered why we celebrate the Birth of Christ on December 25 (a good 3 months later than his actual birth date) you can thank Constantine for your White Christmas.

Many gospels and volumes fell away as the centuries have passed, for many different reasons and can be found just by entering "the Apocrypha" into Google. Still, for my money, one of the most bizarre and downright silly scriptural accounts is still right there in the OT. I speak of the strange and bizarre adventures of Samson. When I ponder why this totally value-less tale of creepy people doing rotten things has survived, while so many others have been edited out - the only thing I can figure is "comic relief?" Samson was an utterly self-obsessed, capricious, thieving, fornicating murderer – dumb as the ass whose jawbone he used to slay a thousand Philistines. Most of the following is taken verbatim but any remarks I add will be (in parentheses). You may also find this at zboneman.com so no need to take notes.
*And Samson went down to Timnath, and saw a woman in Timnath of the daughters of the Philistines.
*And he came up, and told his father and his mother, and said, I have seen a woman in Timnath of the daughters of the Philistines: now therefore get her for me to wife.
*Then his father and his mother said unto him, Is there never a woman among the daughters of thy brethren, or among all my people, that thou goest to take a wife of the uncircumcised Philistines? And Samson said unto his father, get me that (little Phillie) for she pleaseth me well.
*Then went Samson down, and his father and his mother, to Timnath, and came to the vineyards of Timnath: and, behold, a young lion roared against him.
*And the Spirit came mightily upon him, and he rent him as he would have rent a kid, and he had nothing in his hand: but he told not his father or his mother what he had done. (Note to self: look into the possibility of starting a business called "Rent-a-Kid," y'know for people having trouble adopting?)
*And he went down, and talked with the woman; and she pleased Samson well.
*And after a time he returned to take her, and he turned aside to see the carcass of the lion: and, behold, there was a swarm of bees and honey in the carcass of the lion.
*And he took thereof in his hands, and went on eating, and came to his father and mother, and he gave them, and they did eat: but he told not them that he had taken the honey out of the carcass of the lion. (Nobody wants their parents to hurleth nasty carcass honey upon their new garments.)
*So his father went down unto the woman: and Samson made there a feast; for so used the young men to do.
*And it came to pass, when they saw him, that they brought thirty companions to be with him.
*And Samson said unto them, I will now put forth a riddle unto you: if ye can certainly declare it me within the seven days of the feast, and find it out, then I will give you thirty sheets and thirty change of garments.
*But if ye cannot declare it me, then shall ye give me thirty sheets and thirty change of garments. (I'm talkin' decent garments too, not that off-the-rack uncircumcised garbage you wear). And they said unto him, Put forth thy riddle, that we may hear it.
*And he said unto them, Out of the eater came forth meat, and out of the strong came forth sweetness. And they could not in three days expound the riddle.
*And it came to pass on the seventh day, that they said unto Samson's wife, Entice thy husband, that he may declare unto us the riddle, lest we burn thee and thy father's house with fire. (What? Let's just back up a sec – I either double cross Mr. Roid-rage or you burn me to death? Is that uh . . . Yes you are most correct. "Gotcha, I can't figure how you Philistines got such a bad rep?)
*And Samson's wife wept before him, and said, Thou dost but hate me, and lovest me not: thou hast put forth a riddle unto the children of my people, and hast not told it me. And he said unto her, Behold, I have not told it my father nor my mother, and shall I tell it thee?
*And she wept before him the seven days, while their feast lasted: and it came to pass on the seventh day, that he told her, because she lay sore upon him: and she told the riddle to the children of her people.
*And the men of the city said unto him on the seventh day before the sun went down, What is sweeter than honey? And what is stronger than a lion? and he said unto them, If ye had not plowed with my heifer, ye had not found out my riddle. (Looketh here Samson, I might be a double crossing scumbag, but I have never plowed anybody's heifer, what kind of uncircumcised Philistine do you take me for?)
*And he went down to Ashkelon, and slew thirty men of them, and took their spoil, and gave change of garments unto them which expounded the riddle. And his anger was kindled, and he went up to his father's house.
*But Samson's wife was given to his companion, whom he had used as his friend.
*But it came to pass within a while after, in the time of wheat harvest, that Samson visited his wife with a kid; and he said, I will go in to my wife into the chamber. But her father would not suffer him to go in.
*And her father said, I verily thought that thou hadst utterly hated her; therefore I gave her to thy companion: is not her younger sister fairer than she? take her, I pray thee, instead of her. (What manner of Oxen droppings is this? Did thou think not to consulteth with Samson? What if her sister faileth to please me well? "You don't worry about that Sammy my boy - I happen to know that she will pleaseth you very well." "Oh gross, you Philistines are lower than the testicles of whale deep in ocean.)
*And Samson went and caught three hundred foxes, (wouldn't we all, at this point) and took firebrands, and turned tail to tail, and put a firebrand in the midst between two tails.
*And when he had set the brands on fire, he let them go into the standing corn of the Philistines, and burnt up both the shocks, and also the standing corn, with the vineyards and olives. (And the Philistines asked of Samson – why o why hast thou done this unto our crops, what were you bored? To which Samson stroked his beard thoughtfully, "Bored? Ha ha, yes - bored like a fox.")
*And it came to pass afterward, that he loved a woman in the valley of Sorek, whose name was Delilah.
*And the lords of the Philistines came up unto her, and said unto her, Entice him, and see wherein his great strength lieth, and by what means we may prevail against him, that we may bind him to afflict him; and we will give thee every one of us eleven hundred pieces of silver. (And Delilah exclaimed - "what do I look like Isaac Newton, how much is this?")
*And Delilah said to Samson, Tell me, I pray thee, wherein thy great strength lieth, and wherewith thou mightest be bound to afflict thee.
*And Samson said unto her, If they bind me with seven green withs that were never dried, then shall I be weak, and be as another man.
*Then the lords of the Philistines brought up to her seven green withs which had not been dried, and she bound him with them.
*Now there were men lying in wait, abiding with her in the chamber. And she said unto him, The Philistines be upon thee, Samson. And he break the withs, as a thread of tow is broken when it toucheth the fire. So his strength was not known.
*And Delilah said unto Samson, Behold, thou hast mocked me, and told me lies: now tell me, I pray thee, wherewith thou mightest be bound.
*And he said unto her, If they bind me fast with new ropes that never were occupied, then shall I be weak, and be as another man.
*Delilah therefore took new ropes, and bound him therewith, and said unto him, The Philistines be upon thee, Samson. And there were liers in wait abiding in the chamber. And he brake them from off his arms like a thread.
*And Delilah said unto Samson, Hitherto thou hast mocked me, and told me lies: tell me wherewith thou mightest be bound. And he said unto her, If thou weavest the seven locks of my head with the web.
*And she fastened it with the pin, and said unto him, ("Wait, let me guess" said Samson in a sing-song manner, "the Philistines be upon me, they lieth in wait to afflict me. Come off it already.")
*And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death;
*That he told her all his heart, and said unto her, (Delilah, thou hast proven my favorite old saying ‘Fool me once, shame on you, Fool me twice, shame on me, Fool me three times and Samson crush your head like seedless grape. However since your deceitful wiles have proven so incompetent, I shall revealeth the secret of my incredible might because frankly I feeleth pity toward thou.) There hath not come a razor upon mine head; for I have been a Nazarite unto God from my mother's womb: if I be shaven, then my strength will go from me, and I shall become weak, and be like any other man. (And might even be persuaded to try on Delilah's garments - you know, to spiceth things up a little.")