The first Anaconda movie at least had the distinction of being a horrific waste of talent. In case you've forgotten (not that you shouldn't have) The original starred Jennifer Lopez, Jon Voight, Owen Wilson and Eric Stoltz, to name just the few I remember. Jennifer provided the buoyant bootie that would attract an aquatic snake of any size, John Voight played the eccentric nutjob who'd spent his life farting around the Amazon, Eric Stoltz spent the film unconscious, which was one of the wiser moves of his career and Owen Wilson in one of his first post-Bottle Rocket performances played the comic relief - whose Spiccoli smart-ass was one of the first to be devoured by these 140 foot long CGI Vipers.

The premise of this second go round is actually a little more interesting and involves a team of multi-ethnic scientists who trespass some spooky Borneon waters in order to bring back a bouquet of orchids that contain the secrets of immortality. While in the jungle, the expedition soon falls prey to bad weather, bad directions and worst of all, a really really bad screenplay.

Considering that the movie is a sequel to one of the cheesiest "monster flicks" to have come out in the last few years, one certainly expected plenty or dairy, particurly since its trailer made it look like a day trip to Chuck E. Cheese. Unfortunately instead of playing the film for camp like the original for the most part did, The Hunt For The Blood Orchid ever so foolishly takes itself seriously. Setting this boat adrift into the most tepid of horror film waters.

Far too much time is spent on this inane plotline about discovering the flower of youth and worst of all - for a film entitled Anacondas - you were lucky if you caught a glimpse of a damn steroidal serpent. Again the MPAA ruins this film, because of it's PG-13 rating. Losing the big (R) meant losing any hope this film had of being worth any sort of a damn by offering up a buffet of bloody cool death shots. These are nameless actors perfect for being served up as gorey victims to the titular Anacondas. Just like Alien Vs Predator, the the dreaded PG-13 rating all but 86s any shots of actual "cool deaths" via snake, or blood or swearing or anything that would make sense in a real-life situation featuring a bunch of human fools up against snakes the size of Giant Sequoias.

I saw trailers to this film that showed alot of cool snake shots and lead me to believe that many a stupid scientist would meet his/her grisly demise in the jaws of one of these prehistoric water-snakes. The trailer shows all the money shots, which leaves the rest of the film to ponder the Ponce De Leon plotline that was far more frightening than the damn snakes. True, the girls wear less and less clothing as the film wears on (one of them even looks remarkably like J-Lo - minus the juicy tuchus) but the real question is why this film didn't go straight to video. Are we that hard up for theatrically worthy releases?

I'm not going to bother to single out any of the performers or their performances, let's just say that most of them found it challenging enough to master their ethnic dialects, which was fine because the script made the Creature From The Black Lagoon look like Citizen Kane. A film like this needs to be cheesy as hell to succeed and there was nary a morsel on board. Let this be a lesson to crappy filmmakers everywhere - "never underestimate the power of cheese."