Cellular is a film that aspires to be a big ole slam bang dose of dumb fun, sadly however, it was mostly just plain dumb. As I watched it, the thing that kept echoing through my brain was; "how the hell could Roger Ebert give this movie 3 1/2 stars?" Is this some kind of a sick, perverted joke? Did one of the most respected critics in the biz (one whom I've admired ever since I was a little kid) see the same movie I did? Seriously there's only one place for a thumb to go up in this movie. True we're talking about opinions here, but I sat side by side with the Boneman during this monumentally flawed attempt to mix action with humor, and we truly couldn't believe what we were witnessing. We had the theater to ourselves and we laughingly dissected it without mercy. Sure it's fast-paced roller coaster ride of a film, that very well could have worked had it's creators tossed in a shred, a mere morsel of believability into the mix - but no. To quote Beavis and Butthead, Cellular sucked in ways that no movie has ever sucked before.

The most entertaining part of watching Cellular unravel was making a mental list of all the far superior films that it shamelessly steals from. Most notably, Falling Down and Strange Days, which supply Cellular with the major plot-points and a number of others who make lesser contributions. The film is basically a "dirty cop" actioneer that is stitched together as if by ten different blind tailors. To call this movie far-fetched and disjointed would be to give it too much credit. It all gets started when a carefree California boy (Chris Evans) receives a frantic phone call (on his cell--in case you were unable to figure it out from the obvious title) from a hysterical biology teacher named Jessica (Kim Basinger), who claims to have been kidnapped and locked up in an attic. Naturally, Evans thinks Basinger is a complete nutjob at first, but he soon finds himself thrust into the role of the reluctant hero. But he's a natural, because within the next fifteen minutes of the film he's committed enough felonies to put him away for life.

Cellular was written by Chris Morgan, but it was based on a story conceived by Larry Cohen who wrote last year's similarly themed Phone Booth. What many might not remember is that Mr. Cohen was also responsible for some of the best B-movies of the late 70's and early 80's. I can remember adoring films like It's Alive, Q, and The Stuff as a kid. Who am I kidding? I still adore them. I loved the bizarre tone of those movies, and thoroughly enjoyed the sort of tongue-in-cheek vibe that went along with them. Cellular is basically a B-movie with a bigger budget and two or three significant actors. The problem, is that the film never really makes up it's mind whether or not to be a campy B-movie or a serious thriller. And trust me, the actors are just as confused.

Kim Basinger is just plain awful as the distraught victim of a kidnapping that involves her son and husband. For her part she plays it straight and in the process is unable to sell a single line of her dialogue. This really could have been a fun movie had there been one iota of intelligence invested in it's execution. But it starts off implausible and just grows more absurd by the scene. One example the Boneman couldn't help but point out, was that the whole thing was based on Basinger's ability to McGyver a busted phone back together to call for help from the attic in which she was being held captive. And when she contacted Evans and convinced him to help, rather than whispering into the makeshift phone she had spliced together, she practically shouts about her predicament. Just yaks it up, even though the goon who was keeping watch over her is a mere rickety floor beneath playing solitaire. Eventually Mr. Solitaire overhears her hysterics and marches up to slap her silly, but being a biology teacher she manages to sever some secret biological artery somewhere on his arm that causes the 275 pound Goliath to die before she can even apologize. Which she does, because she's not a cold-blooded killer, she's a middle school teacher.

Chris Evans just goes through the motions as the wide-eyed hero. There isn't anything particularly dynamic about him. He certainly isn't a horrible actor and at times has that affable look and manner of Luke Wilson, but Cellular doesn't afford him the opportunity to showcase whatever talent he might have. To be fair he did the best he could with this role. William H. Macy is a breath of fresh air (as always) as police detective Mooney. He's even given the opportunity to kick some ass in this picture. Again the Boneman complained as Macy had just hours ago been shot in the neck, yet still manages to get the best of a fist fight and a tussle on the ground against a man twice his size. And he was right. This was about the cinematic equivalent of Hulk Hogan getting his ass kicked by a seven year old blind girl. Still Macy is always a pleasure to watch and I had fun with these scenes. Bill so rarely gets the chance to kick any ass. In fact that's probably why he agreed to take part in such a patently ridiculous film. Still he was the best thing about it, and without giving too much away, his character is very reminiscent of the role Robert Duvall played in Falling Down.

I also enjoyed Jason Statham (The Transporter) as the film's primary heavy. This guy has a cool face. The moment he gets in Basinger's grill, you know he's a man not to be messed with. Even though his character is one dimensional, Statham is charismatic. He brings this scary individual to life in a big way. To which the Boneman could not disagree - he plays a solid bad guy.

I could have dealt with the familiarity and onslaught of clichés in Cellular if it had been executed better. This movie moves at a quick pace, but somehow it still manages to be dull. Through much of it, I was shaking my head in disbelief. There's been a good bit of buzz about the car chase in this film, and I'm not really sure why or which one? It has nothing on the chase sequence in the far superior Bourne Supremacy. And why is it that after causing a freeway pile-up that involved a good dozen or so cars, is he so easily able to zip away in a nerdy little car that he stole from a security guard. Cellular is full of wildly ridiculous situations that break all rules of reason. Again, if they would have taken the trouble to make any of the bizarre goings-on half-way believable I could have sat back and enjoyed myself. In spite of the fact that it ripped off so many other superior films.

I'm all for simplicity. If executed properly, the familiar can be exciting. Hell, look at a movie like 1997's Breakdown. That film was a fusion of scenarios we've seen before, but it worked because Jonathan Mostow gave us characters worth caring about and a situation that seemed reasonable. Director David R. Ellis keeps things moving in Cellular, but the whole thing just plays out like one joke piled on another. And by the end it's one tall pile of ridiculous crap.

Cellular features every action movie cliché you can shake a shtick at; Crooked cops, a damsel in distress, a young buck out to save the day, a little boy whose life is threatened if the bad guys don't get what they want, and a seemingly dopey policeman who everyone thinks is dumb, but really isn't. And all of this stuff is structured in a framework assembled from better movies including Ransom, Die Hard, Witness as well as the ones mentioned above. .

I wanted to just kick my feet up and have a good time during this movie, but unfortunately, it didn't work out that way. I was too busy laughing my ass off and trying to figure out if the tone of this film was intentionally campy or just a horrible miscalculation. I'm pretty confident it was the latter. Like the recent Paparazzi, Cellular is quick on it's feet - but terribly out of focus.