I'm writing this review for few people on Earth who, like me, have not read any of the Harry Potter books. There must be a few of us left. So, if you have been held at Guantanamo Bay or just woke up from a coma, this is the review for you.

I admit that I do not know the intricacies of the Potter mythology or any of the spells. I'm accepting this film on its face. All the kiddie stuff has been dispensed with. Harry is now, albeit secretly, a student teacher and he's an angry young dude - he's got something better than a tattoo – he has a scar bestowed on him by a name so feared it is not spoken – it's like the wizard's tetragrammaton.

There is a new director-co-screenwriter, David Yates, and a new co-screenwriter Michael Goldenberg for the fifth in the epic Harry Potter series. J.K. Rowling's story is rather limp but brings us deeper into Harry's world at Hogwart School of Witchcraft and Wizardry which is exactly what we really want. If I never see another Quidditch match, I'll go to my grave more than quidditched-out. And had the new writers thrown in a few authentic spells and magical rituals, I'd have been all the more pleased. I'm sure Rowling has read all those ancient Spell & Ritual books. If not, I have around ten books she could borrow – but she has to promise to return them - lest I conjur ill against the beloved Hogwarts maven.

All the people you love are back plus some new ones – namely a sadistic, torture-mad instructor Dolores Umbridge (fresh off her job with Saddam Hussein) (Imelda Staunton), a young motherless girl, and a baby giant. Like the middle film of the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy, this one is necessary for establishing what (I assume) came in Book Six (Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince) and the final Book Seven (Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows). The story is boring with the villain only turning up at the end for a rather weak name-calling, shoving match with Harry. My biggest complaint is the almost total absence of the kind of wonder and enchantment that made the first few films much more magical.

There is a global campaign launched by fans to 'Save Harry.' Ha! So Rowling has created a monster that is refusing to die.

Once again, Harry (Daniel Radcliffe) is still being mistreated by his lonesome relatives. The school term is at hand and when Harry uses magic to rescue the feckless Muggle Dudley Dursley, he is suspended. (No magic in front of Muggles - rules are rules). Now there has to be a trial. Harry, with Hermione (Emma Watson) and Ron (Rupert Grint), once again take the magical train to school.

Harry was using his magic for good. No one believes him that the dreaded, feared wizard Lord Voldemort (Ralph Fiennes) is back, still looking like he needs to pass a kidney stone and can't remember the spell. It is just me, or is pasty-white, no-nose Lord Voldemort rather silly looking? As it stands he's neither seductive or scary. His laughable homeliness detracts from his dread-inspiring rep to the point where he really needs a magical makeover - there's got to be room in the budget.

Beloved Headmaster Dumbledore (Michael Gambon) decides to take up the cudgels in Harry's behalf and "studente restorum" he's back at Hogwarts. Thus continues Harry's Dark Night of the Soul. He is tormented by nightmares and squirms in sweaty, shirtless agony. The tween girls should get the not-so-subtle message.

Umbridge is the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and she wears pink garb with decided thrift store leanings. Her motherly manner and cheery color scheme, however, belie a treacherous agenda which she pursues with a kind of merry ruthlessness. Indeed her dark deeds are designed to wrest control of Hogwarts thereby molding it to the liking of the Ministry of Magic(?) Umbridge stacks one new rule atop the last, that are essentially a series of buzz-kills that are not only a bummer for the student body, but for the audience as well. Not liking the sinister pink spinster becomes so central to the narrative that I found myself not liking the film as a result. Ironically Staunton's performance is without question the only real standout turn among the regulars who seem stilted and awfully uninspired.

No one (mostly the Ministry) wants to believe Harry's claim that Voldemort has returned from the netherworld, so Harry must build an army from scratch. Lacking a young Alexander the Great's joy of battle, Harry takes it upon himself to put his loyal compatriots through their spell-binding paces. He's got the stuff of a good faculty member - but these scenes weren't much more than some kids fiddling with sticks.

We wait for the finale between Harry and Voldemort, as Voldemort uses his magic to infiltrate the young wizard's mind and memories. Harry's dark side starts emerging and he uses it just long enough to get himself scratched from Professor Snape's Christmas list.

It is Dumbledore who steps in to deal with Voldemort – they have a history together – and the most exciting visual effects are saved for these scenes.

Harry has matured, and so has his world. It's dark, gloomy, and shadowed – just like you would imagine a sorcerer's world would be. While the story leaves one disappointed, the production is a visual delight more sophisticated and menacing. And thank goodness, the stadium games are so last year.

(We at zboneman.com are excited to welcome the prolific and multi-talented writer Victoria Alexander to our staff. Critic for http://www.filmsinreview.com/ and pundit and humorist responsible for the candid and fearlessly funny "The Devil's Hammer," her column appears every Monday on http://fromthebalcony.com. Start off your week with a good hard laugh. It's a thrill to have her on board. Victoria Alexander answers every email and can be contacted directly at .)