Resident Evil: Apocalypse makes House Party look like House Party 2. I love quoting Kevin Smith. Especially when describing a movie this dreadful. And just think only a mere hour before I sat down to watch this screening, I was suffering through the climax of Cellular.

Resident Evil: Apocalypse is an unnecessary follow-up to a movie that never should have gotten the green-light in the first place. The first picture was based on the popular video game, and while I must confess that I've never played the game, the film did nothing to make me want to. It was nothing but an MTV style rip off of George Romero's classic "Dead" films (in an ironic twist, the original picture was to be directed by Romero (he left the project abruptly due to creative differences). The movie ultimately went to Paul Anderson, a film maker known for a flashy, annoying editing style. Anderson opted to turn down directing the follow up so that he could set his sights on AVP (which - as weak as that movie was - is easily his best effort). With
Apocalypse, Anderson merely served as a screenwriter and consultant.

In this outing, a major corporation tries to contain a virus outbreak unleashed in a major city, by sealing it's residents within the confines of their rather large habitat. This particular virus turns it's victims into flesh eating ghouls. Lucky for a small band of survivors, they have a couple
of tough cookies on their side including Alice (Milla Jovovich), the fiery, sexy broad who saved the day (sort of) in the first picture.

Like the last installment, this one is really for those with a short attention span. In other words, there is very little character and plenty of
things that go boom. Now I'm all for huge explosions and mindless violence, provided there's kick and a sense of energy and purpose to the proceedings. Apocalypse has neither of those. It's just one boring sequence after another.

As was the case in the last film, Apocalypse finds plenty of time to wink at Night of the Living Dead and other genre pictures (it bears a certain
resemblance to John Carpenter's brilliant Escape From New York and also features a young girl who they might as well have named Newt), but in it's feeble attempt at hyper kinetic attitude, it fails to offer us any characters worth giving a damn about. (If you want to call them characters) Every actor in this movie is virtually soulless save for a wheelchair bound Dr. Ashford
(Jared Harris), whose handicap is used as the worst kind of movie manipulation. At least Harris makes an attempt at lending the flick a little bit of human drama.

Apocalypse also finds time to introduce a stereotypical black man whose sole purpose is to provide the movie with lame comic relief and
pimp-like attitude. I'd be lying if I said that the likable Razaaq Adoti didn't make me chuckle a few times, but it was for all the wrong reasons. It
was out of sheer boredom.

How are the special effects? Not all that special really. Some of the make-up work is decent I suppose, but the editing style is so erratic that
it's hard to really see what the hell is going on.
The plot is a convoluted muddle, although I'm sure fans of the game will understand it better than myself. I was dumbfounded for most of the running time, and the only real surprise in the movie is a revelation that comes towards the end of the picture. I'll just say that it involves a lumbering mutant zombie. Let's just say he didn't exactly salvage the film.

Director Alexander Witt (a cinematographer by trade) is quite obviously trying to make the ultimate "chicks kick ass" movie (think T2, Aliens and the recent Kill Bill), but it never really works. The previously mentioned films weren't just movies about tough women kicking ass, they were movies women of character who were mentally tough and heroic as a result. No such luck here.

Quite frankly, I was so bored by Apocalypse that (like a horny little teenager) I sat there in anticipation that at some point in the movie I might get to see Milla Jovovich's breasts. And wouldn't you know it? I got my wish. Unfortunately, it was in the last five minutes of the movie. As close to an exciting climax as I was going to get, I suppose. And instead of feeling guilty for viewing this stunning specimen of a woman as a mere object, I'm going to blame the writing. Shallow bastards.

Each decade has seen the release of a terrific zombie picture. The Resident Evil series is not part of that illustrious list. Not even close. The 60's saw the release of the most influential of the genre, Romero's original Night of the Living Dead. In the 70's that same film maker created what I believe is the best zombie picture ever made, Dawn of the Dead. The 80's unleashed the wildly creative punk rock/undead horror film Return of the Living Dead. In the early 90's, Peter Jackson delivered one of the goriest
movies ever made in the form of Dead Alive. That brings us to the present. In two weeks, one of the finest zombie movies I have ever seen will be
unleashed upon this country. I'm speaking of the British sensation Shaun of the Dead. After you see this picture perfect ode to Brit comedy and the undead, you will realize how truly awful the Resident Evil series is. I'm counting the days.