No Country For Old Men

Posted By:	The Boneman
Posted On:	Tue Mar 11th, 2008

By now, I guess I can safely take another swipe at the presidential campaign. It's down to three and, at this point, even if Hillary had lost Texas or Ohio I get the impression she's in this thing 'til the bitter end. Let's face it, those Clintons want their old house back. And if worse comes to shove - they'll take the damn thing by force. And relinquish it only after the greatest media standoff the world has ever known. I can picture a tattered Oval Office, Hilly and Billy crouched, backs against the wall - reloading. Curtains dance as incoming rounds turn window frames into splinters and sawdust. Just before blasting their way into infamy they sneak a familiar look at each other, "If they don't want us to lead!" They're gonna taste our lead!" Then in grainy slow-mo they blast into the Rose Garden guns blazing and the frame freezes in the hail of gunfire just like Butch and Sundance. "Hilly the Kid" ain't gonna let the Boneman down! Not while there's still a "super delegate" with a family that might have a "little accident."

I didn't fare so well last month – lost a couple biggies mere hours before press time; and far too late to make alterations. Thanks to Edwards and Romney's surprising premature withdrawals I tossed up a few moot ducks that had about as much relevance as a petrified French fry under the seat of my car. Don't you worry your pretty head though Mitthew - I still luv ya – y'good lookin' Mormon cuss. 2012 baby. Everyone always commented about how "Presidential" Romney looked. What they actually mean is that he looks like an actor "playing" the President – like in a Harrison Ford movie. Since JFK the parade of Presidential presentability has been spotty at best. I hate to say LBJ had features not unlike a Bassett Hound, but once when the air-brakes and landing gear of Air Force One failed to engage – LBJ stuck his head out of an emergency exit, and by the expert use of his ears, rudder-like nose and throat wattles he managed to bring ‘er in smooth.

Next came Nixon of the Brillo pad eyebrows, and jowls so long they needed styling. Carter looked about as Presidential as a male nurse, but he at least climbed out of the right side of 'that' gene pool. I wonder how much an unopened can of Billy Beer would fetch on E-Bay? Then came the Bush/Clinton/Bush era. I suppose they looked Presidential enough, but they'd never get cast in a Jack Ryan thriller. Maybe Clinton, but only if there was a "love interest."

Anyway when Romney dropped out of the race, I kind of lost interest in the whole deal for a while. To be honest, I got downright pissy for a couple of days. The same thing happened to me when Steve Young retired from football. It was like I didn't even know who my team was any more - I kind of feel the same way now. I've certainly got no use for that fuddled old fartknocker, McStain. If Steve Martin had an uncle with a yellow head he'd be McCain. He reminds me of one of those uncles who everybody kind of dreads when they come over – "you already told me the one about the man from Nantucket. Yes Uncle John, I'm positive you did, is your fly open on purpose?" "Y'know what sonny, back when I was a foot soldier in the Reagan Revolution, we didn't have zippers. A man did his pants up one button at a time my friend." "Is that what you were doing when you got captured?"

The thing with McCain is he gets all this mileage out of being a war hero, but about maybe eight years ago I saw this "made for TV movie" deal about McCain's military heroics, and it really wasn't all that flattering. I was a little embarrassed for him because, at the time, I thought he was pretty cool. He hosted Saturday Night Live, his head was still more or less flesh-colored. Ever since I saw the little movie they made about him though, I've pretty much had him pegged as something of a squirrelly little bantam rooster. The movie starts off just after he gets captured and Charlie "did" smack him around, and I think he may have eaten a few bugs, but after he spilled his guts, his captors just kind of lose interest in him and somehow he wound up falling in love with an Asian hooker. I can't remember exactly how he swung it, but a good part of the time he spent as a POW he pretty much just hung out in a whore house. "That GI Joe, he make in the shade – he prisoner of whore."

Furthermore, he divorced his first wife before he ever got back stateside, not because of his love for his Asian courtesan, but because she got in a car accident and when he found out she was going to be a quadriplegic for life he filed. Now he cavorts around with that alpha clone trophy-bot who hadn't even been activated when he was a POW. Do yourself a favor and don't try to imagine them in any sort of romantic or intimate scenario. I just pretend she's his daughter and the most they do is look at photo albums and every so often hug.

It's well known that McCain is a hot-head with a short fuse and when he goes off the f-bombs start flyin' fast and furious. I kept hoping Ron Paul or Hucklebee would push his buttons, say something during the debate like "Senator McCain, if you were such an ace military man, how come you got captured by the enemy?" Couldn't you just see his face go from yellow to orange to beet red, just before he dives across the desk with a knife in his teeth in full flash-back mode. They'd probably have to put him down with a tranq gun to keep him from killing the whole panel. Just the kind of cool customer we want in charge of the "button." Lately he's been campaigning heavily on his National Security experience saying that, in the event of a national emergency he's the man for the job. Unfortunately he'd probably "also" be the man for the job in the event of a bladder emergency.

For those of you who think I'm being unduly critical of the man, may I just remind you of the Reagan Library debate? The one where McCain stared into the camera and lied through his yellow teeth over and over and over about Romney and the "timetables nonsense?" Then when everyone in the room was fully aware that he was a lying skunk, he tried to cover his tracks by turning senile. It went a little something like this: Romney: "What I wanna know is what makes you the expert on my positions on the issues?" McCain: "I'll tell you what makes me the expert my friend – because we don't want you laying in the weeds talkin' about times-tables. And when you start treating buzzweeds like crosswords, that's when the chowder is "really" gonna shave the dog. Not that it's any of your beeswax, my Mormon amigo, but if you think that a foot soldier is gonna drive idly by while a buzz-table, word-timer like yourself starts acting like the Battle hymn of the Republican comes with fries and a coke - well, huh huh, huh huh, you're in for tabledance of a different feather, Beetle Bailey. A very different feather indeed, my friend!

Just ask Jack Klugman or any of the other revolting foot soldiers who fired the first Raygun at the Martians. Talk about National obscurity - let me tell you pal, they didn't come all the way to Earth to play Parchesi, not that I couldn't've whooped ‘em with one hand tied behind your back. (After a confused pause) Besides, it comes free if you order a Family Meal, did you know that Mr. rich man? Parmasian cheese melted over garlic bread - mmm mm, Cheesey Bread they call it. Say you hungry ‘cause I could eat? I've always voted in favor of Cheesy Bread and my record proves that beyond a shadow of a smile. Go ahead, call him up, tell him, because if it ain't here in 35 minutes - there will be blood - my friend? Blood by the golf shoe. Wait - did you here that? What was that? It's Charlie I'm telling ya – you won't win any pancakes by underestimating Charlie. When I give you the signal, hit the dirt. Trust me that's Charlie." Romney: "You're right John, it is Charlie. Your buddy Charlie Crist, governor of Florida – the weird looking gray-headed dude who looks like a Simpson's character?" McCain: "Can we trust him though Mitch?" Romney: "I don't know about me, but I'm quite sure ‘you' can – he pretty much handed you the Florida Primary." McCain: "No, you're wrong - I won Florida because I lied about something – Pool Tables or some damn thing?" Romney: "Time tables, I think it was Senator." McCain: "That's it, y'know you're a pretty sharp fella, Mitch, how'd you like to emboss my candidacy?"

Romney: "Why don't you let me sleep on it Johnny."