Preliminary Police Report

Posted By:	Tyson Cantrell
Posted On:	Sun Jul 1st, 2007

Oh Happy Day, Tyson Cantrell (the Prodigal Son of a Bitch) Returns with his colorful account of the Big Police Reunion.

MGM Grand Hotel/Casino Las Vegas, Nevada

Usually I don't like to be around the police. They make me nervous. A friend somehow finagled five tickets off the internet for the "sold out" show, which were up in the nosebleeders. I quote that because I saw about 200 empty seats. The high seating was offset by three Jumbotronish monitors centered in front above the stage. They were great seats for back of the arena seats thanks to the big screens. Without those the show would've lost much of it's magic.

Touring with The Police as opening act was Sting's son's band Fiction Plane, a British alternative pop/rock trio where Sting's son Joe Sumner plays bass and sings, just like his daddy. They were alright but my pops didn't like em because they said the F-word too much. I went to get an $8 drink when out of nowhere "Message in a bottle" started. I hurried back into the now darkened arena only to get lost in a different aisle. My group called me back and I nestled in for the amazing pop nostalgia overload The Police delivered. I mean it ,they were writing tickets to rock.

The Guinness Book of World Records should've been there for the largest number of people with simultaneous hard-ons. Instead the Book was stuck in Cedar City, Utah to document and establish the largest number of people wearing balloon hats and…wait it gets better…THE LARGEST GAME OF SIMON SAYS! The monster truck rally style of radio announcements went something like this, "WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING THIS WEEKEND - CANCEL IT! - RESCHEDUAL IT! QUIT YOUR JOB! - DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO BE A PART OF HISTORYYYYYY!" More like be part of the largest gathering of tards in the world being the most retarded ever.

Always bringing the cool grooves, Sting came out toting his very original bass embellished with aging. It looked awesome and shitty and sounded stunning. I came to the conclusion that it was the bass that he used during his younger days with The Police, it's only fitting. And even though he couldn't hit those high notes anymore, the chicks loved every minute of it, but shucks so did I, I was practically fanning myself. On a strange note however,